Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

:iconmllenightingale: More from MlleNightingale

More from deviantART


Submitted on
August 9, 2012
File Size
4.3 KB


3,542 (1 today)
145 (who?)
"There was a time when I feared you, avoided you, for what you were - before I knew the person you were. A time, even, when I believed that because of that, you would have to die. That you were evil because of that irrational fear, and that all things 'evil' must be eradicated." She sighed deeply, clutching his hand for support as she spoke the truth that she'd never told him.

"When you first spoke to me, and I answered, I lied. I was willing to sacrifice my own morals if it meant reaching my goal. Killing you."

He watched her expressionlessly as she confessed what she had meant to tell him long ago, but had never had the chance - or perhaps the courage - to do so. 

"And what made you change your mind?"

She blushed and glanced downwards, before continuing. "I-it... Honestly, I don't know. I was..." She mumbled incoherently to herself, and he patiently waited for her to speak up again. 

"Every day, I plotted against you, even while I gave you fake smiles and claimed to be someone I wasn't. But, well... You grow on people." She stopped and smiled at him, and he nodded encouragingly to her. "And then, one day, I suppose, it just stopped being fake. I enjoyed your company. I don't really think I realized what was happening... until that one old gossip, she called us lovebirds. I laughed at her at first... In my mind, we were still enemies... but..."

He squeezed her hand, smiling at her affectionately. She took comfort from those actions, that and the fact that he was still with her - that he hadn't left after he'd begun to realize exactly how immense her betrayal had been. 

"I couldn't help but wonder, really, if there was some truth in what she'd said. If I didn't actually hate you as much as I had before."

"And did you?" It sounded as though he was asking for the sake of asking, and not for an answer. After all, he was anything but an idiot, unlike most of the others she knew. That was why she'd deemed him too dangerous to be allowed to live. 

"...I tried to tell myself that I did. That nothing had changed. But looking through my journals, exploring my thoughts, I realized that" - she cracked another smile - "at the very least, I no longer was planning to turn totally vigilante and take care of you myself."

"You actually thought you could bring me down yourself?" He said it teasingly, although realistically, he knew perfectly well that she could incapacitate him easily, and not even break a sweat doing so.

She giggled, something uncharacteristic of her. "Maybe."

"Well, I do dread to think what you might have been planning to do to me in the first place. Actually, my blood runs cold at the very thought." Despite his humorous tone, he was in fact completely serious, something she was well aware of. 

"You never were the type to underestimate an opponent."

"...and you were my opponent. Even though I had thought that we were companions."

"Y-yes... I was. Was. Not anymore. I swear, not anymore..."

"Shh... It's okay, baby. No need to get upset. I haven't killed you yet, right? So really, I'm not mad at you. I won't hold it against you. Really."

She wiped her face on her sleeve, covered her face, ashamed. "I... I usually don't cry. I don't know why I did now."

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about, baby. Look, no one can be a big strong man like me."

She glared at him, tightening the grip she had on his hand until he cried out and snatched it away.  

"Say that again?" she growled. 

"Say what, darlin'?"

"...never mind." She sighed and rubbed her eyes. "So..."

"I already told you - I'd forgive you, no matter what you did. I love you. I really do."

"And I love you." And the two lovers sat there on the ledge, gazing into each other's eyes. 

After a while, she shook her head and rose, remarking with a slight laugh, "It's funny, really. How I had to let go of my screwed up morals to realize I was wrong, and... fall in love with the last person I ever thought I would."

"Life really is an odd thing, isn't it? But that's okay. We've got each other, and really? That's all that matters."
Gale doesn't write romance. Uh.

I don't even know.

Found this on my phone while looking through my notes. Posted it on facebook a while back if anyone remembers, but yeah.

[ 11/7/13 Note: There was previously a very enthusiastic and overly excited "Edit" notice here, but its constant presence was a horrid remember of my rather ridiculous overreaction upon checking dA one drowsy September morning. It was horribly embarrassing; therefore, I deleted it. ]

Edit 2: OKAY, a description that's actually something besides capslocking and keyboard mashing--

I'm going to be honest when I say that while I really am honoured that my writing was featured, I wouldn't consider it by any means my best piece, and even if it were, I still don't see myself as deserving of the feature.

Saying that, I'd like to ask those of you who have read this to perhaps take a look at my friend ~SolarumNyx's writing here.

Also, thank you all for the views and favourites! ;w;
Add a Comment:

Daily Deviation

Given 2012-09-07
Confession of Betrayal by ~MlleNightingale ( Suggested by SolarumNyx and Featured by thorns )
Flagged as Spam
Flagged as Spam
Flagged as Spam
Flagged as Spam
Flagged as Spam
Flagged as Spam
Flagged as Spam
Selimeia Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there!
This is another Feedback Frenzy hero getting back to you, pleasure to meet you etc. etc. etc. ^.^

Soooo... Let's get going (by the way, I'm fascinated by your caps part. :D). First I'll rerad through the text and quote anything that comes to my mind. Then, I'll continue by giving a more general feedback.

And off we go. :D

for what you were - before I knew the person you were. The way this is written is a bit... unfortunate, I believe. Does this imply he's some kind of fantastical being? If so, how could he be so much weaker than her? This sounds like she generally hates whatever he is, but getting to know him, she changes her mind. If this is not intended, you should maybe change the "person" thing in this sentence?
That you were evil because of that irrational fear, and that all things 'evil' must be eradicated. This doesn't end in the same tense as it starts. First, you have "were", then suddenly "must be". I stronly recommend you swap the latter for a "had to".
glanced downwards, before continuing No comma here.
after he'd begun to realize exactly how immense her betrayal had been I'm not sure, I'm no native speaker, but I believe this has to be "after he began to realize", as this happens after the betrayal itself. Right?
Despite his humorous tone, he was in fact completely serious, something she was well aware of. This sentence sticks out a bit. It doesn't fit into the perspective, especially as it only describes emotions and not the way they show. Make this more personal for one of them. Maybe she heard an edge behind his humorous tone, something a lot more... hmmm, I'm lacking words myself just yet, but I'm sure you know what I mean.
"Y-yes... I was. Was. Not anymore. I swear, not anymore..." I would have loved a quick description of her voice here, I believe it would intensify the effect this sentence has.
I haven't killed you yet, right? On me, this sentence didn't really work. Is it his attempt to be humorous? If so, please make this clear. If not, I find this expression isn't exactly fitting, considering the subject they're talking about. At least, it'd mean a moment of awkwardness, I believe.

Altogether, this was an enjoyable read. The only little problem I see is that this text is one among thousands. Romance usually suffers from this 'You know what's gonna come' - this text doesn't offer any surprises, nothing that could surprise or astonish us. The first few sentences made clear whatever there is going to happen next. I can see why you tell the story the way you do and I wouldn't want you to change it. I also like the clear simplicity of the language, this is actually a point where it matters. But, as we Germans say: The devil's in the detail. I don't have any concrete ideas, but maybe there are a few tiny, little things you could change to make it special? Or a twist in the end.
Oh, and for the same reason, you should consider a title change to something simpler too - not so heavy words.

Anyways, this was en enjoyable read, only a few small things to be improved - keep on Frenzying and maybe see you around sometime :)
Kitri-du-Lac Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
Hi. I've come across this piece as part of Feedback Frenzy, and I'm going to do my best to give you some constructive criticism, though in this case that won't be the easiest of tasks. You've already been awarded one of this website's highest honours for this piece, and it is easy to see why. This is already a near perfect piece in terms of grammar, tone and pace. I usually end my critiques with a small 'housekeeping' section pointing out typos, spelling mistakes etc., the small things that area easily missed. I haven't spotted any of those, which suggests you've already put effort into proof reading and tidying this up.

The piece is predominantly dialogue, with very little description. That is something I like, particularly in flash fiction pieces such as this, as it allows the reader's imagination some freedom. I imagined the girl as brunette, simply because all of my romantic heroines are always brunettes. The reader can move closer to characters quickly within this vague space, which can be a major stumbling point in shorter pieces. That's been very well handled.

The pace of the story is also excellently judged. The reader is never pulled along at 100 miles an hour, confused about the relationship between the two protagonists. At the same time, at no point was I tapping my fingers on the desk wanting to get on with the story. It's a difficult balance to achieve, but one done to perfection here.

The one criticism that I have of the piece as a whole is that it lacks a little in terms of originality. This is a simple story, but one we have all seen before and consequently can predict the ending of fairly quickly. This isn't an uncommon problem in the romance genre, but writers do need to be aware of it and do what they can to avoid it. Unfortunately, your current title only aggravates this problem.

'Confession of a Betrayal' gives the entire plot away before the reader has started making their way into the piece. We go into this story already aware of the major plot point. As the male character is very quickly described as being encouraging, by paragraph 7 the reader already knows that she has betrayed him and he is going to forgive her. If you were to change the title to something a lot less leading, however, you could eliminate this problem and leave some mysteries for the reader to uncover as they go. This really would help to lift this piece out of the predictable, and create something far more intriguing for the reader.

There are also a couple of instances where you begin to go into 'telling' rather than 'showing'. These are few and far between, but in such a strong piece they do jump out at the reader. For example, in paragraph 12 you write:

Despite his humorous tone, he was in fact completely serious, something she was well aware of.

This is quite 'telling'. I would perhaps rephrase this sentence, and look for ways where his dialogue and body language can show us that he is completely serious and that she understands that. The placement of his hand on her shoulder perhaps, strong eye contact from him/avoiding eye contact for her. There are plenty of things that could illustrate this fact without you needing to explicitly tell us. I suggest you have a play with this small section and see what you can come up with.

As I said before, these are small changes that could be made to improve a strong piece. The DD awarded for this was very much deserved. With a little more work, on these few selected areas, however, it could very well become a perfect piece.

I hope that's of help to you, and if you have any questions about what I said or I've not been clear, please don't hesitate to ask me! :)
Karinta Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh my gosh! It's almost like poetry!
Add a Comment: